Truly Blessed

I am at a loss for words by the workings of God in my life.

Now I start off this blog with that note, but it is also important to note that despite the openness and optimistic ring to that statement, to the public and uniformed eye, this statement carries with it access baggage.

Challenging. The past year has been challenging. I accepted the call to be youth pastor at the church I now serve in... it's been almost a year since I've started. This past Sunday, I was ordained, Pastor Jason, for Cornerstone Church. What a mind trip... but what really challenged me the most was the idea that despite my "title," despite my "calling," there is a character deep beneath words and claims...

I sat broken this morning in front of one of the men who had lead me to a deeper relationship with God... I was broken over the fact that I am struggling. Should a "Pastor" really struggle?

I guess depending on where you're from and who you've mentored under, the answers may vary, but what really kicked me in the butt was that these past 2 days, I've been face to face with an inner struggle. I've been face to face with my own weaknesses - and as a Pastor, that is humbling.

My good friend, from across the table at IHOP said to me, "Who are you?"

The question puzzled me, "who am I?" What did he mean?

As I sat and pondered the question, I had come to a frightening discovery that despite the countless hours that I had spent investing in the bachelor's degree from the distinguished college, I had not intentionally taken the time to ask myself the vital question linked to everything I do... who am I?

Although I can dig deep and piece together parts of my life that make me who I am - I answered the question horribly...

Then came the task... my friend took me on top of a mountain top to speak with God... Although God is everywhere, being here was challenging. Once again, face to face with my shortcomings... what was I to do? I have re-discovered that my life has not been as disciplined as I have wanted it, and also that I do not have the relationship with God that He wants from me... I've been using Him, and the love that I've been using Him for has not been reciprocated on my behalf...

But no matter how distant I had come when I arrived to that mountain top... through stubbornness (on my part), he answered me. Redeemed, although broken... Given though undeserving...

This is my God...

make sense? Well, to you it doesn't have to...